Becoming part of the solution

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In relationships, particularly sentimental ones, partners often begin by acting a certain way to cater to the perceived needs of the other person in order to win them over. Acting, in this context, involves a conscious effort to present oneself in a way that satisfies the expectations of the other. For example, a partner might act caring, thoughtful, or attentive because they believe these qualities will fulfil their partner’s needs or desires, and thus make them more likable or desirable. However, this acting can become problematic over time because acting requires effort, while truly being caring, loving, or attentive is effortless.

When you are acting, you’re constantly putting on a performance. It’s not authentic; it’s a strategy aimed at achieving a goal—whether it’s to make the other person happy, gain their approval, or meet their expectations. While this might seem effective at first, acting always comes with a catch: once the effort behind the act dissipates, the true nature of the person behind the act reveals itself. And often, this revelation can be quite jarring.

The partner who has been acting kind or loving may eventually stop putting in the same level of effort, whether due to fatigue, disinterest, or a shift in their personal priorities. When the act stops, what was once a façade gives way to the reality of the person’s true emotional state, desires, and behaviour. This transition often leads to disappointment, confusion, and frustration for the partner who has been deceived by the act. The emotional needs that were initially fulfilled through the performance suddenly go unmet, and the relationship can suffer as a result.

Take the example of a new relationship where one partner, eager to win the other’s heart, goes out of their way to be overly thoughtful—sending flowers, always offering help, and showing an exceptional level of attention. The other partner, seeing this behaviour, feels special and cherished. But over time, as the effort becomes tiring, the once thoughtful partner begins to fall short of their previous acts. They might become less attentive, less generous with their time, and start showing less enthusiasm for doing things for the other person.

The partner who had once felt so valued now finds themselves questioning why their needs for affection, care, and attention aren’t being met. The truth is, those needs were being temporarily fulfilled by the partner’s act, not by a deep-seated, authentic desire to nurture the relationship. Once the act ends, the partner’s true feelings—or lack thereof—come to the surface. It is then that the partner who has been deceived by the act feels betrayed, or at the very least, unfulfilled. This can lead to resentment, conflict, and ultimately the dissolution of the relationship, as the emotional bond that once felt secure begins to unravel.

One of the benefits of recognising this dynamic early on, particularly in a new relationship, is that you may encounter things that annoy you or feel out of sync with your ideal image of a partner. However, these are often just the quirks or flaws of your partner’s true being, not an act designed to fit your needs or desires. At least in this case, you’re seeing what you get.

For example, you may find that your partner leaves their things lying around or is less organised than you’d like. While this might be frustrating, it’s a much more authentic expression of who they are than the earlier act of being perfectly tidy or controlled. This doesn’t mean that there’s no room for improvement—relationships thrive on good communication, mutual respect, and a shared goal of emotional growth. But by accepting your partner as they truly are, rather than as an actor fulfilling your expectations, you can build a foundation of trust, openness, and mutual understanding. In turn, this can lead to a more genuine and satisfying connection, as both partners work together to grow and improve emotionally, rather than being trapped in the cycle of acting.

The gap between acting and being becomes even more pronounced—and dangerous—when the person acting to win over a partner also exhibits traits of narcissism, control, or an overbearing “alpha” mentality, especially in male partners. For individuals with these traits, the difference between their initial act and their true self can be stark. Early in the relationship, they may charm their partner with a seemingly generous, attentive, and confident demeanour, but these behaviours are often exaggerated or manipulative tools rather than genuine expressions of care. This type of performance is a strategic act meant to create dependency or admiration, which fuels their own ego or sense of control.

As the relationship progresses, the act becomes harder to sustain, and the narcissist or control-driven partner reveals a more disagreeable side: behaviours may shift from attentive to demanding, from caring to critical, or from supportive to dismissive. This transition can be profoundly jarring for the other person, who may feel confused, hurt, or even responsible for the change. In some cases, the shift is gradual and subtle, as the partner learns to accept, or “normalise,” this behaviour to survive in the relationship. The person who was initially caring and considerate becomes demanding and dismissive, leaving their partner constantly struggling to meet shifting standards to avoid conflict or disapproval.

This discrepancy between the act and the reality can create a toxic dynamic where the partner, feeling isolated or confused, begins to doubt their own perceptions and emotions. Over time, this can erode their self-worth and independence, making it even harder to exit the relationship or recognise the unhealthy cycle they’re in. Genuine love, in contrast, does not demand that one partner diminish themselves to survive or be accepted.

Ultimately, the key to a truly successful, long-lasting relationship is the ability to be loving, caring, and authentic, rather than simply acting those ways to win approval. When both partners operate from a place of genuine being, their actions are effortless, driven by a deep, internal desire to support and nurture one another. This creates a much stronger emotional connection than anything that can be achieved through acting alone.

Acting can serve its purpose in the early stages of a relationship, but it cannot replace the deep connection that arises from a genuine and authentic being. When we stop acting and start being, we open the door to true intimacy and emotional fulfilment. We embrace our partner for who they are, not for the image they project. We begin to understand that love and care are not performances to be staged but are natural expressions of our inner selves, flowing freely without the need for constant effort or pretence.

Written by Stephen Griffin and ChatGPT