Becoming part of the solution

12 minute watch / listen.

In this conversation Tom Campbell discusses a recent painful break-up discussed by a MBT fireside companion and reflects on the importance of being authentic and not having expectations in relationships. It also references a quote from Bruce Lipton that suggests one must get their own act together before pursuing big love. Campbell advises engaging in relationships but not pushing or avoiding them, letting them develop naturally, and being open to wherever they may go. It is emphasised that authenticity is key and that trying to be someone else or projecting an image will ultimately lead to disappointment. He concludes by stating that being true to oneself and encouraging authenticity in others is crucial for successful relationships.

This question is about a recent really really painful breakup.  I rose into love with this love of my life with nothing less than Paradise on Earth. And with that girl as my objective.  And then it went to a dark place. It really reflected my insecurities fierce child trauma I think. Could you comment on that quote from Bruce Lipton. I learned again and again in my life until you get your own act together you’re not ready for big love. What you’re ready for is one of those codependent relationships where you desperately need a partner.

I’m not familiar with that quote, but it was a wise quote. I think that’s probably true. But that doesn’t mean you avoid relationships. It basically means that you don’t push relationships.  It doesn’t mean that you avoid them. You say, Well, okay, I must not be ready yet, so I should avoid a relationship.

You let relationships go however they go.  If a relationship just starts and it buds and it develops, then you should explore it. See where it goes. Relationships are good things. They’re learning things.  Sometimes they turn out to be very painful. Sometimes they turn out to be very beautiful.nSometimes they start out beautiful and then go painful and sometimes the other way around. But you should always engage and connect in a relationship. If it starts to build and go somewhere positive, then engage it and see just see where it goes.

But don’t have an expectation of where it’s going. don’t have an expectation, Oh, this is going to be the love of my life. All right, I finally found the one. Just let it go wherever it goes. So then it is what it is. And if it turns out to be really beautiful, then it is beautiful and you enjoy it.

If it turns out not so much, well, then it doesn’t work out so well and that maybe Fizzles and goes away. But you just have to be who you are. Don’t try to be the perfect person for them. You have to be who you are.  If you’re acting, if you’re in a role,  if it’s about your image, you’re making an image  that somebody likes, that’s not going to work. You’ll try that and it’ll crash and burn, which is part of what makes Bruce’s quote accurate. If it’s your image you’re working through, if you’re acting a role, then it’s probably gonna crash and burn because that’s really not you. So just be you. And if it doesn’t work out when you’re you, well that’s good because if you tried to push that through and make it work and it’s not you, it’s just gonna get worse and worse.

 You can’t be somebody else. So one, be authentic, be yourself, be who you are. If you’re sensitive, if you’re frightened, if you’re this, if you’re that just be it. open. And then when you run into people who care for somebody who’s just like you and there are people out there like that, then it works really well. And you don’t have to worry about them, you know, about finding out later that that was an image. And they need to do the  same thing. They need to be this partner of yours needs to be authentic. So that if you’re like them, then there’s an authentic connection there, authentic likeness. If all you do is like their image, oh, they were so swab and devine air in this and that and sexy and cool and nice and so much fun to be with and so on. But that’s all an image. Then that turns out not to be the case. It’s devastating. So you need not to have not get wrapped around expectations.  Don’t have any expectations just let a relationship develop as it does without pushing it forward, without holding it back.

Just let it naturally go. If you want more than go for more. If you want less than let it be a while, just let it go to its own natural pace and see what happens. No sense of what it might be. Let it developed. That’s the way you do relationships. And that means that you won’t ever be disappointed because you never had any expectations.

You will have relationships and you say, well, this looks kind of good. But it didn’t work out. And you’ll always come to the conclusion. Well, it’s a good thing it didn’t work out because it we push that on and we really weren’t connected It would have been worse better to find out early on that it doesn’t work out, then to find that out later after a lot of investments been put into it. So being authentic relationships are wonderful.Follow them, but let them unfold naturally. Don’t push at them. Don’t make them go. Don’t stampede there because you’re anxious to have what you have in your mind as the expectation that then creates a problem. And as Bruce said, you will create these problems for yourself until you get your own head straight. And then you’ll stop creating these problems for yourself and getting your head straight means you’d like go to the expectations. You stop trying to make it go anywhere in particular. You just let it go wherever it goes. And that you always be authentic and encourage the other person to always be authentic because you want really to interact with who they really are. not with some image that they give you for a while.

But can’t maintain forever because that’s not who they are. Some people who are really very cranky can seem very sweet for a while. But if cranky is what they are cranky is what you’re going to eventually end up with. So better than that in the beginning, somebody’s cranky. Well, you may be alright with that. You may say, Hon a little cranky too. Alright, I can deal with cranky.

And that’s fine. So relationships need to be natural and they need to be embraced but not pushed and not made into something that you have the image of is what you want. Don’t have any image of what it is you want, Just take what you get and enjoy it.

 But have lots of relationships with lots of people. Most relationships are just friends interactions, coworkers and things, but get down people, get down, get to understand people, listen a lot, talk a little, that’s these are the kinds of advice I would give about relationship, and you’ll find that each relationship you have will get better than the last one. The next one will be better than the last one.

 If you learn something from the last one, if you don’t learn anything, then you keep repeating the same mistakes and having the same problem. But if you learn from each one, you’ll know that okay, gee, I’m generally kind of self-centered and that tends to get in the way. So I’ve learned that. I need to stop doing that, it has to not just be about me. And now the next one, it isn’t because you’ve grown up or maybe you said, Oh, I just made it all about her needs and her wants. And then I’ve anything to do with me in which case I wasn’t being honest. I wasn’t being sincere because I was hiding my needs and wants and all those things that were staying hidden. I wasn’t just upfront with everything. Well, then that was a problem too. So then you stop.

However it goes, there’s lessons in it, whether it goes happy on your end or say it on your end or whatever, there’s always lessons to learn about improving how you interact with people, improving who you are, and then the next one will be better. All the relationships that I had before I met Pamela were all just kidding me, ready to meet Pamela.

I hadn’t had all those ones before that. I wouldn’t have been ready and I probably would have blown it. You know, it wouldn’t have done well. So, you know, I look at them all as I had all the series of relationships and each one helped me get to the next one, to get to the next one and eventually I finally got good enough to deal with Pamela in a positive way. Not, you know, stick my foot in it or, you know, make it crash and burn. So that’s the nature of relationships which is, you don’t just have one, you have as many as you need.

 That’s okay.  Have as many as you need. And it’s time, you grow a little. And eventually, you’ll grow up enough that the relationships that you continually have are all really, really good. Because you’re being truthful and honest with yourself and your partner’s being truthful and honest with you.

As long as everything is out there, then nothing’s gonna blow up later on because it’s already out there right in the beginning. So that’s the thing. Relationships are wonderful. Don’t stay away from them because you feel like you’re not ready. Go right back in the relationship. Embrace people connect with people, but let it take its own course. Don’t have any preconceived notions. Don’t feel the need to impress or the need to be impressed. Just be and when you just are and it feels good now you’re under something real.

Thank you Tom Very nice way to end our 75th session. Thank you to all of you who came today with such great questions.